A few weeks before Christmas

Jason's mom and dad were hosting a small party. Activities and games were set up. Jason played ping pong with some of the younger kids who were present. He kindly intervened when some of the young boys teased a child who could not play. Jason was very patient and went out of his way to help and encourage this child. An older guest was having difficulty navigating some stairs. Jason without a word, took her arm in his and walked with her, never once mentioning her trouble, except to say, "how about walking with me?" There were several other instances during the evening where Jason's thoughtfulness was evident, and many guests made it a point to compliment him, as well as, his parents about his kind personality.

What most people at the function did not know was that….

Earlier that day, Jason was standing at his locker at school. He was feeling pretty depressed. He was having a hard time understanding why he felt so sad and angry all the time. As usual he also was having a hard time concentrating during his classes, and his teachers were on him for not paying attention. Jason couldn't stop thinking about his birth mom whom he hadn't seen since he was 2 1/2 years old, and from whom he received a letter recently. He hated her and wished she was dead, but he didn't know why. He also had a strong feeling that it was with her that he belonged. Complicating things were the memories that kept flashing in his head that were making him feel unsafe. While he was engrossed in his thoughts, someone suddenly poked Jason on his back and made a rude remark. Jason felt a quick angry adrenaline rush, with his heart pounding, he turned and punched and shoved the offender to the ground. Later the boy would say "I just tapped him on the shoulder…" Jason was taken to the office and his mother was called. When she arrived, the air in the room was heavy with tension; Jason's tension most of all. He was pacing and mouthing off.

The result of this incident was a school suspension. Jason felt sad and angry but mostly he felt afraid. He was afraid because he lost control. He also felt a strong sense of remorse because he did not want to hurt the other boy. He also did not want to disappoint all the people at school who had tried to help him, and he really did not like that he caused his parents more pain and aggravation.

How could Jason be a person who at times was kind and generous while at other times be so troubled and angry? Jason's early history included experiences of loss and trauma. Jason's poor behavior was indicative of a story that was not easily understood. Punishment alone is not going to change much because this is a situation where the offender is going to internalize the punishment in a way that makes the problem worse.

The discipline exemplified above does not include a component that allows for a deeper understanding and focus on the impact of early trauma and loss on behavior. Such discipline only serves to make Jason feel more isolated because he lacks the inner resources to accept behavior modifications without internalizing them as further rejection. The problem is that Jason needed more; he needed help understanding and processing the emotions behind his actions, and he needed help controlling his dangerous and impulsive behaviors.

The Jason Hayes Foundation has been created in memory of Jason who died when he was only 14 years old. Our mission is to help further the understanding of the deeper issues that are expressed through the behavior of children and teens like Jason, so that they can be helped to fulfill productive lives instead of lives full of impulsive acting out behaviors.